Oft has it been asked, but never truly answered, is why do some have an aversion to gastropods, yet a fondness for molluscs?
See, French folk guzzle garlic snails by the bucketload, yet the slug is rarely served up! And with gastronomy being the art of stuffing yer great fat face, you'd think gastropods would be top of the menu, ma!
Of course, the very word slug has negative connotations. Got a heated slug, at your brain (Dust) as they would have it in them thar westerns. Or even A slug of old Yellowbelly can often voiced by drunken gunslingers before the Big Shoot Out.
But the humble snail has a much more favourable presence in the world. Witness Le Manège enchanté, filmed in the UK as Le Menagé Trois* (and probably voiced by Brian Cunt) which we now fondly remember as The Magic Roundabout. Here we have Brian, a loveable, rouge-cheeked snail.
And so the indoctrination began - friendly snail on TV, teachers getting the kids to draw snails with colorful rainbow shells, and young girls are subliminally indoctrinated with the lure of Autumn Molluscs** to decorate their dainty digits.
With snails, you can make up friendly tales about the home on his back, which the slug does lack somewhat. In fact, people tend to overlook the fact that a snail is only a slug that someone's superglued a seahell on the top of!
And so, the lowly slug is left to wreak it's revenge by partaking of Pumpkins.
Pumpkins, of course, being yet another childrens tellyshow, where the heir of J.R.Hartley threw out 'Slug' in favour of Tortoise.
Now, something arose last night (oo-er!) concerning the said Samhainian fruit, but due to consumption of Jacques and Absinth, I cannot recall any details. I do remember my burgers sticking out their yellow tongues upon the BBQ, so mayhap it was to do with an Uprising of Pumpkin Carvery.***
Either that, or comparing a pair of pumpkins to a pair of busoms.
And you don't want slugs gnawing on yer norks and leaving slime trails all over your kle'varj...
* FAMED FOR IT'S WEEKLY PORTRAYAL OF FLORENCE BEING SPIT-ROASTED BY DYLAN (AKA "THE RABBIT", AFTER HIS VORACIOUS SEXUAL APPETITE AND STAMINA) AND ZEBEDEE, CRYING OUT "BOING!" WITH EVERY THRUST OF HIS SPRING. MR RUSTY, HOWEVER, WAS OFTEN SEEN VOYEURISTICALLY VIEWING THEM FROM THE BUSHES, AS HE WAS A RAMPANT DOGGER.
FLORENCE WENT ON TO TV DOCUMENTARIES, WHERE SHE TOSSED OFF DOUGAL ON CAMERA, LIKE THAT REBECCA LAVATORIES WHO PULLED OFF THAT PIG (DAVID BECKHAM, I THINK HE WAS CALLED)...
** FALL SNAILS... (FALL SNAILS... FALSE NAILS.. NO? WELL STUFF YOU THEN!)
*** ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT, A GROUP OF STUDENTS SNEAK AWAY FROM THE COLLEGE TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN A PUMPKIN PATCH. SURROUNDED BY THE CARVED FACES OF PUMPKINS, THEY SETTLE DOWN TO PARTY. BUT, AS THE SUN SETS, SOMETHING IS MOVING IN THE PATCH. ONE BY ONE, THEY ARE HUNTED DOWN BY AN ANCIENT EVIL BEYOND THEIR WORST NIGHTMARES. AS CANDLELIGHT STREAMS FROM CARVED TRIANGULAR EYES, AND THE CARVED TEETH ARE HUNGRY FOR FLESH, WHO CAN SURVIVE WHEN DEATH WEARS A CARVED PUMPKIN HEAD (not a Lazlo Woodbine thriller at all).
