Perhaps I’m a bit stupid here, but I’m a bit hazy on the topic of the Easter Bunny.
Now, Eostre was renamed Easter by mental religious types obssesed with that God Botherer Jesus, and they claim the Easter Egg now represents the stone that covered Jesus’s tomb (apparently eating a chocolate egg is a re-enactment of the reanimated Christ miraculously rolling away the stone so he could escape... which is bollocks, coz he didn’t eat the stone - the disciples found it rolled to one side).
So where does the bunny come into it? Was Christ an early Donnie Darko? Frank the Bunny went even further back in time, and helped Jesus escape the cross, before leading him about in some fantastical turn of events to bring about an artifact that will change the past to bring about his sacrifice?
There’s Jesus all nailed up on Golgotha, and up pops the disciples to perform a mourning, basphemous dirge of Tears For Fears's Mad Word by Gary Jules?
Eostre is a celebration of the dawn of the spring equinox, and being a godess probably invoked lots of fertility rites (ie shagging). I can see how this can lead to both rabbits (renown for fornication multiplication) and eggs (needing fertilisation)....
...but what led to the bizarre idea of a 6ft bunny in a bonnet with a wicker basket hopping from house to house delivering chocolate eggs (the basket’s easy - pagans are always fond of travel programs).
I mean, it’s not like bunnies lay eggs! Unless, of course, there was some intergalactic interjection by nefarious offworld types to alter the birthing process from egg laying to internal gestation....
Aaaarrrggh! I just realised! Clearly the lepus was originally one of them Ridley Scott Aliens until genetic modification removed the egg/facehugger element! Christ - imagine the olde worlde horror!
You’re walking through the wooded glade, with pan piping on his pan-pipes and pissing everyone off. Oooh - there, beneath the tree is some eggs all covered in foil & Cadbury logos. "Yum yum I espie ye olde chocolate" thinks medievil man. You move in for a closer look, and notice the slimy coating when suddenly, the foil peels back, the cocoa shell splits into two halves, and a betentacled beastie bursts out like a Kinder Surprise and rams it’s nob down your throat. Next thing you know, baby bunnies are bursting out of your belly and nibbling your carrot!
Well, at least them space monsters that keep delving into our genetic code, modifying our evolution and leaving giant dominoes about, made a sensible mutation. I’d hate for the Earth to be overrun by 8ft slimy rabbits with extendable jaws.
On the plus side, you’d always get Predators down for an Eostre Egg Hunt!
"Son of a bitch is dug in like a packet of buttons in a chocolate egg"
"Christ, you’re hit! You’re bleeding, man!"
"I ain’t got time to bleed"
"Yeah. Huh. Got time for a creme egg?"
"Ooooh, maybe a mini-egg"
Ole painless is waitin’...
