Grrrrrr and a half!
Why do till jockeys ask the most stupid of questions?
You spend ages looking in the 2 for £20 (or £12.99 each) section, and surprise surprise, amongst all the tat is one lone gem. So, you resign yourself to getting the one item you want (well, at least you didn't end paying another £7.01). Upon arrival at the till:
Cashier: "Sir, did you know these are on a 2 for £20 offer?"
I reply "Yes."... wanting to say: Like the great big fuck off label plastered on the front that'll ruin the case when I try to take it off didn't give it away in any way shape or form.
Cashier: "Did you not see anything else you wanted in the 2-4-20 section"
I reply: "No"... wanting to say: Oh, isn't there one there? It must have completely slipped my mind to pick up the other item I saw and really wanted. Of course I din't see another one - why do you think I only brought one stickered product to the counter you great tit".
It's like when you want to pay for something, and the cashpoint decides to give you all your cash in £20 pound notes.
Cashier: "Do you have anything smaller"
I reply: "Sorry, I don't." when thinking: Why do you think I gave you a 20 quid note in the first place - if I had the right amount, or a lower demonination close to that amount, I wouldn't have given you a £20 note you fucking wankshaft. Jesus H. Corbett.
And how come, when you're just browsing they're all "Need any help sir?", but when you actually need any help, they manage to evade you in any way possible?
And how come, when you've arranged to meet people, God decides to press the PAUSE >> SLO-FRAME ADVANCE button on his celestial remote control at the cashier, meaning that picking up the case and taking the disc out of the drawer and putting in the case now takes FIFTEEN minutes...
...until they move back to x1 speed, and come up with some lame-ass excuse like "oooh, there's no disks in the drawer. Someone must've put it out on the shelf with the disc in and someone's nicked it.". Hah. More likely he couldn't see past his EMO fringe.
And when it's a birthday card you want - ho ho! Never mind the cashiers, the angelic choir team up with the minions of Darkness, and remove any suitable card from the shelves. The 'humour' section is so woefully unfunny, and what you find funny you just know that the recipient will just snigger politely and think that it's wrong. So very wrong.
The alternatives get worse and more trite, or explicitly risqué, meaning that you daren't buy 'em in case their partners think you're after their missus and duff you up.
Or then they get sort of satirically funny, but you wonder if the recipient will take it the wrong way. Then you get duffed up by their partners for insinuating they give it to 'em 'the wrong way'. And they get offended coz the 'humerous' message on the front is taken as an insult, and you get another good kicking.
So you end up getting one you think is quite funny, and pray to god they do, so you don't get damn good pummelling. After all, it's taken hours of searching, umming and ahhing, switching cards, etc, that you just hope they appreciate the effort. Not that they will, coz they don't know just how long you've taken agonizing over choosing a piece of card with a picture on t'front.
In any case, I plan to give it to her at her party, so she can't beat me up in front of her friends. And after I've given it to her, she can have her card (boom boom!).
See, you just knew that was coming, dintcha!
I'm nothing if not predicatable, me!
I hate finding birthday cards.
Shit - better go check it's not the wrong message inside. When I got me mums card, I went to write in it, only to find it stamped with 'Happy Birthday'...
Lucky really. The 'Aspargus got their tips out for the lads' card may not have been the best choice for Mother's Day...
