It’s raining
it’s pouring
the old gimmer’s snoring
Now, there are lots of cures for the nasal interruptions of a partners breathy grunting, such as the application of a stout stick about their bonce, but I have to say that the latest item is much more practical!
I was watching the tagliatelly nudes last night, and they did a feature on CPAPs, which must be an acronym for Cut Partners Airflow Pachidermally.
Forget them rip-off, overpriced cut down plasters you bung over the bridge of your hooter (and not your hooters - although if you wish to plaster your paps a-la parisienne, who am I to complain! Just send me a moulding, if you will). Clearly a strip of band-aid (or sellotape) doesn’t bring in the moolah, so the CPAP comes in!
And just what is a CPAP?
Well, it’s not gawking at girlie golden globes, that’s for sure! It’s a big black box that sits on your bedside table. From that extrudes a hose, none to dissimilar to one from the back of a tumbly drier. On t’other end of this tubular balls is a gas mask that goes over your beak. Thus atttired like some some lumbering silentnight elephant, you crawl into your pit to sleep without snores.
It wasn’t exactly made clear what the black box does - does it suck the snore out your nostrils, and store them in the box where they can be emptied upon the morrow, or does it gas you to death so you never snore again?
All of which makes little difference, as you’re all entangled with some hosial trunk twixt bed & bedside table. As you toss and turn throught the night, you’ll end up being suffocated as you’re slowly crushed as the hosey bit encircles you, like there’s some python in the bed.
Which makes it worse as you start to choke, and your partner reaches over and feels the girth of your ’python’ and mistakes it for nobbery business and it all goes tits up.
If you’re going to invent such ludicrous bedware, at least make it decorative - they could’ve easily make it into an elefrumps mask, complete with trunk, and turned it into some Ann Summers sex fantasy epic, rather than some One-Legged Dennis in sky colored velvet.
Still, won’t be the first time birds wake up next to Dumbo...
